Cool Stuff

These things are cool.

• Lasers
• Tigers
• Swords
• Explosions
• Robots
• Tits/Asses
• Mix tapes
• A wall of amplifiers
• Fast cars
• The ocean
• Lightning
• Sugar

Fuck you if you don’t think those things are cool.

R.E.M.ember These Albums

As a young me growing up, I listened to music beyond my years, digging not-your-standard-pop-rock before it was cool to do so. At least that’s what I like to tell myself. I mean, I was 9 fucking years old, and my favorite band in the world was R.E.M. I could’ve listened to Document forever. And then Green. And then Out Of Time hit, and everybody listened to R.E.M., and I was so fucking jazzed because I could finally talk about my favorite band and people knew who I was talking about. No shit, that was 20 years ago. 20 years. And they’re still one of my all-time favorite bands. One song from each major album:

• “Radio Free Europe”, from Murmur. Probably the most representative of R.E.M.’s sound in general at the time.
• “So. Central Rain”, from Reckoning. Slightly less country-western than “(Don’t Go Back To) Rockville”, which has a lot of piano.
• “Driver 8″, from Fables Of The Reconstruction. Fuck. I really should pick my favorite song from this album, but I just can bring myself to do it.
• “Fall On Me” AND “Begin The Begin”, from Life’s Rich Pageant. Fuck you, I’m picking two songs from this album.
• “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)”, from Document. You just can’t not have this song on an R.E.M. list, and I think everybody knows that. Incidentally, the runner-up would’ve been “Finest Worksong” instead of the ever-popular “The One I Love”. That song’s just better.
• “Pop Song 89″, from Green. The most representative song from the album. The very much pop rock. What can I say?
• “Near Wild Heaven”, from Out Of Time. I refuse to choose “Losing My Religion”; it’s a singular song. Also, there’s so much Mike Mills on this album, I felt it only appropriate to choose one of the songs he sang lead on.
• “Everybody Hurts”, from Automatic For The People.  A ballad from an album of ballads.
• “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”, from Monster. Basically the opposite of the previous album, and it pretty much sounds like the entire album.
• “So Fast, So Numb”, New Adventures In Hi-Fi. Even though Automatic For The People should’ve been more depressing since 75% of the songs on it were ballads, this fucker is way more depressing.
• “You’re In The Air”, from Up. If you like Radiohead, you’ll like this album. One of my favorite R.E.M. albums. Seriously fucking underrated.
• “Beat A Drum”, from Reveal. It’s a nice album. A sweet album even. Kind of…Beach Boys-y.
• …You know what? Don’t even bother listening to Around The Sun. It’s basically the only R.E.M. album that isn’t acceptable.
• Actually, I didn’t much care for Accelerate either.
• “Discoverer”, from Collapse Into Now. This album has even come out yet, and I’m already liking it.

Since the new album comes out next Tuesday, I might make it the guinea pig for my first attempt at doing an album review in bullets. What? I can dream. Shut up.

PS: Sorry about the terrible title of this post.

What You’re Not Getting This Week

I’ve been wracking my brain all week for a post idea, and I got nothing. Some ideas I began writing up and then deleted for one reason or another:

• How 2011 is the shitstorm before 2012
• My white/Asian hybrid take on Black History Month
• Dumbass shit we do on the internet
• How not to be a douchebag fan on the internet
• People who should have their reproductive organs removed
• Why Facebook is a piece of shit
• Can I do an album review in bullets?
• What about an interview?
• Cheese is awesome
• People whose interviews made me hate them and why they should stop sucking their own dicks
• Things that make me I feel like a dinosaur
• Why I hate Adult Swim

I may actually do some of these in the future, but they were just not for today. So instead, you get a creepy look into how my mind does not work. Enjoy it.

Valentine’s Guide for Single Humps

So last week, I posted a friendly guide for people who are generally not-single. I hope this helped, like, the handful of you I know.

For everyone else, there is no Valentine. No one to give you fucking flowers or take you out to a nice steak-and-lobster dinner or try subversively talking their way into your undergarments. It sucks, but… Whatever. Being a single hump doesn’t mean you have to piss Valentine’s Day away (unless that’s what you want to do). How single humps can appreciate Valentine’s Day:

• Get skullfuckingly drunk.
• Get your nails and feet done.
• Send yourself dirty messages from those e-card sites.
• Randomly laugh at people for no fucking reason whatsoever.
• Eat those sad Russell Stover’s chocolates yourself. You deserve it!
• Go out to the grocery store and buy a melon of some kind for every sig.O you’ve ever had or almost had, become one with the douchery of Gallagher, and smash the ever-lovin’ shit out of every single one.
• Put on a hockey mask ala Jason Voorhees and nothing else, then go on Chat Roulette.
• Don’t masturbate with that cheesegrater.
• I hope you’re still drinking at this point. Otherwise, you have no excuse for the last two things.
• Pass out wherever the fuck you want.

Do all of these things and enjoy the fuck out of being a single hump. And for fuck’s sake, be grateful that you’re not one of those poor bastards stuck paying that huge-ass Valentine’s bill. Better to just be shitfaced and destroying things then later crying about that than crying about your fucking credit card bill, right?

Happy Valentine’s Day, single humps.

Valentine’s Guide for the Not-Single

Valentine’s Day is the bane of many people’s existences, especially dudes. So as a chick who’s spent an equal amount of V-Day’s in a couple and single, I’m going to help you guys out. Here are some guidelines for V-Day behavior:

• Valentine’s Day is February 14th. Every year. Don’t forget that. Ever.
• Treat the whole day as if it’s a private celebration of your relationship. If all you do is act like you’re trying to get into someone’s pants, that’s the last thing that’s going to happen.
• Unless you’re an actual fucking poet, skip the card.
• Flowers. Get them. Even if your sig.O says they don’t want flowers, they are fucking lying. Just make sure to get good ones they’re not allergic to.
• Dinner. Do it. Whether you make reservations or cook it yourself, just make sure dinner is involved. And that it tastes good.
• Everyone loves presents. Anyone who says otherwise is either full of shit or just wants to remain a miserable heap, and if that’s the case, why the fuck are you dating that asshole anyway?
• Jewelry only makes a good present if your sig.O a) normally wears a variety of jewelry or b) you want to step up the seriousness of your relationship.
• And for fuck’s sake, never buy a ring unless it’s question-popping time. If it’s just a “pretty-colored stone”, don’t count on getting laid again any time soon.
• What I’m saying that jewelry is widely regarded as a mostly dumb idea for a V-Day gift, so don’t.
• If all goes well, you should be hitting that by the end of the night.
• If not, being single is pretty awesome because at least you don’t have to deal with any of this shit, right?

And there you have it. Use these few guidelines, and your Valentine’s Day will be infinitely less painful. Otherwise, there’s always the single life and just getting drunk and cramming your facehole with Tim Tam™ cookies, currently available in America, courtesy of Pepperidge Farms.

And yes, they are fucking delicious. Best thing to come out of Australia ever.

Oops, it’s February, huh…

Okay, so an entire fucking month has gone by in 2011, and I haven’t posted a single fucking thing. My bullets today are some of my reasons:

• Busy. With life. I guess.
• I meant to, but…
• Shit happens.
• I forgot.
• Nothing to say, really.
• Nobody reads this shit anyway.
• Wait, that’s not a real excuse.
• Whatever.
• I’m fucking lazy.
• Yeah. Lazy. That’s the one.

I will post new bullets at least once a week for the rest of the year. Seriously. It’s gonna happen. I wonder if I could do an interview in bullets. Something to think about anyway.

You are a fucking thief.

I’m taking a break from my ‘Best of 2010′ series–and actual bullets–to post this rant instead. It’s about theft. Theft is wrong, right? I mean, if you have something, and it’s yours, and then someone takes it from you, that’s fucked up, isn’t it? You wouldn’t someone to do that to you, would you?

Then why are you a fucking thief, huh?

Whether it’s illegally downloading music or ripping DVDs or scanning comics and posting them in their entireties, it’s still fucking theft. It’s still not fucking okay.

This is not to say that I haven’t downloaded some music for free in the past myself, but I was a little more of an idiot back then and didn’t realize what exactly I was doing. I thought it didn’t matter because I was taking from The Man, taking from the big, greedy corporate machine. It never occurred to me how it might trickle down and affect things in the future. It’s like the g-ddamned butterfly effect.

Illegally download a song…
–> The band can no longer produce music because their label drops them for not making enough money…
–> The recording industry collapses because they no longer can afford to finance bands…
–> After one area fails, more fail, and the economy takes a big shit on itself…
–> You’re suddenly unemployed and can’t get on Welfare because everybody else lost their job, too.

The reality is not quite so dramatic or cut-and-dried, but you get the idea. And yet, I can practically hear some of you saying: “Oh, well, I’m not stealing. I’m helping! I’m spreading the word! Free advertising!”

No. You shut your fucking mouth.

Unless you are authorized by the owners of whatever it is you’re “advertising”, you’re not fucking helping. No. You are a fucking thief.

• Rip an album and put it somewhere for everyone to download it? Thief.
• Rip a DVD’s extras and put it somewhere for everyone to download it? Thief.
• Scan every single page of a comic and put it somewhere for everyone to download it? Thief.

Of course, I realize that people will still want to call ‘bullshit’ on this, and that’s fine, but really. Before you do any of that kind of stuff again, really think about it. The more that this stuff is put online for free by thieves, the fewer people are going to pay for the real thing. Fewer people buying means less demand. Less demand means that, pretty soon, the shit you’ve been getting for free online won’t be produced at all anymore, and then what are you going to do?

 

PS – Sorry for the lack of bullets. I’ll try not to make a habit of it.

Best of 2010, part 5

A lot of movies came out in 2010. Here are ten movies that came out in 2010 that I would rather shoot myself in the face than see:

• The Social Network – Fuck you, Facebook.
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 – Fuck you, Harry Potter.
• The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – Fuck you, Stephenie “My Parents Can’t Spell For Shit” Meyers.
• The Last Airbender – Fuck you, M. Night Shamalamadingdong.
• Robin Hood – Fuck you, Russell Crowe.
• Sex and the City 2 – Fuck you, crazy bitches.
• Date Night – Fuck you, unfunny.
• Get Him to the Greek – Who cares.
• Saw 3D – Who cares.
• Human Centipede – Just… Fuck. You.

Just so we’re clear… Shooting myself in the face > these movies. Not interested in this garbage, seriously.

Best of 2010, part 4

Like I said at the end of my last post, this list is reserved for my favorite Twits on the Twitter machine: some hilarious, some informative, some frightening, all interesting. In random order, ten of my favorite Twits of 2010 are:

• @thinkgeek – What geeks love. And buy. Because we’re geeks.
• @ReignInBlonde – Elise from Reign In Blonde, all-around cool lady and my gateway drug to a lot of the other metal bloggers.
• @DarkHorseComics – Yeah, okay, so they’re trying to sell you on comics and merch, but they post a ton of other cool geeky things. Assuming you like cool, geeky things. See also @goonguy.
• @noyokono – Gary from MetalSucks. The most real sense of humor on the internet.
• @oglaf – Read this webcomic. Seriously. Right now.
• @NatalieZed – If I couldn’t be me, Natalie would totally be in my top 10 of people I’d like to be.
• @demon_pigeon – I feel like I should slap a warning label on this one. That’s probably all you really need to know. See also @dog_of_flame.
• @mashsocialmedia - Mashable Social Media. Ooh, yeah, srs bzns, right? Look. Sometimes, you have to know what’s happening in the world of the internet, and Mashable knows what it’s doing, almost in a mindfreak sort of way. Mindfreak.
• @uglyfacade – One of my favorite musicians. He reminds me why I still like industrial music.
• @CobraCommander – It’s fucking Cobra Commander. What more could you want?

What the fuck are you still reading this for? Those names aren’t going to click themselves! Go follow these people! Chop-chop!

Best of 2010, Part 3

Every year, there are a lot of people who seriously need to STFU/GTFO. Here are ten people/entities who really should’ve just shut their mouths in 2010:

• Kanye West – Every time he opens his mouth, it’s akin to stupid having explosive diarrhea.
• Facebook – It’s like cancer.
• Transportation Security Administration – Stop molesting people.
• Jersey Shore – What the fuck is this, anyway?
• Steve Jobs/Apple – Bringing a whole new meaning to the word ‘proprietary’.
• Those Westboro fuckfaces – You give Christians a bad name. They got a hard enough time already with the whole priests scandalosity. Stop protesting shit you don’t understand, seriously.
• Katy Perry – She’s a blow-up doll. That’s about it. Sorry.
• Glenn Beck – Just…just shut the fuck up.
• Twilight – Are we done yet? Please?!
• Kanye West – You know, I just do not like that motherfucker.

Next time on ‘Best of 2010, part 4′: my favorites Twits on the Twitter machine. It’s all about the lulz.